Grief Is A Journey Not A Destination

There are days you sit on a chair and look out the window because life seems to take too much energy. Even thinking about what to do for dinner is one consuming task. It can be scary, feeling as if there is nothing in this world that will never again hold your interest. The mail-order catalog with gifts Valentine's Day is a reminder, there will be no memories of love. No hiding in the closet chocolate and peanut butter eggs, my husband died two years, used to enjoy. How small and stupid idea, but how big a tear in my heart.I have always been flexible and open to new ideas, but after the death of my husband's life was a narrow focus on work and children. Joy had stolen most of my days, and I worried if the use disinterest in the world would be permanent.Time to move slowly, painfully, but other days I could not explain the hours that I had lived. Dark days, I complained that no longer takes care of my problems, dreams or desires.I hated being an empty vessel, and when I started out, I waited for someone special to come, it fills me and makes me happy. At that time, I thought bad things would return to normal. I'm old. I did not know at the beginning of my grief journey, my dad is gone forever. However, I wanted to see someone I cared about, in some way. I wanted the love and care, I wish I had. My heart has always maintained the hope that he would find a happy ending, but because of bad decisions, I kept throwing myself on the rocks of the meetings of disappointment.With the loss of a person, a part of my life and my children, if my sense of normalcy changed. Sometimes I wallowed in uncertainty about my life and tears flow from my eyes were streaming down my cheeks. I kept those feelings hidden most of the time. I could not bear to have others see me so weak, it was too private to share. In rare cases, I have allowed myself to express my pain and anxiety. I wish now that I've shared my pain more often.One day I woke up and realized that my life has never been a wreck, and now there was no time to start. I was never aware that I was an example for my children, so I gathered my strength and took control of my destiny. The knowledge of the future was all in my hands was frightening yet liberating. To be myself again was not an easy process, but a slow and methodical forward.I'm not the woman was, but then have gone through this trip, how could I expect, or want to go back to what I was? In fact, as the years folded over each other, I had no need to rehash the past. He was behind me as it should, after not forget nor inhabited.Now I look forward to continue in the future I am happy to unexpected joys of life and experience. A new life and vision, and is connected to pieces of my past life. I am grateful to have found myself.